Friday, February 18, 2011, 2:13 AM
It's been a long long time since I last blogged.. Nvr had enuff time to use everyday, filled with work and baby..
I dunno how good is it now, being alone again.. But I truly hope everything can end soon..
I left home with my baby on 25/09/10, back to my mummy's place..
After 3-4 yrs of quarelling over the same issue with my husband was really tiring me out..
I'm letting him go, as to let go of myself.. I know, things won't be the same anymore after dat incident..
My heart really aches to let go of this 15 years of relation, but if he can't let go of the past, we can't make it till old..
3 years of no friends, no entertainment, did not helped any in our relationship..
How many more 3 years I have to spend reviving the love we used to have?
I'm really tired..
I decided to let go, cos of his first words he told me in the morning on the day I left home..
His sis did talked to him about our problems the night before, but no attempt from him to salvage the relation..
First thing in the morning, he talked to me is about $$. 难道我们之间只剩下钱讲吗?
My heart broked thoroughly dat morning, decided to move out in the afternoon..
Lawyer's letter was prepared in fact on 21/09, but I held on to it, having the minimum hope to try salvage the relation..
Sad to say, it failed...
I never had time to have another boyfriend or wad outside.. My time was spent working and taking care of my precious baby at night..
I dunno why he thought I had a new love, leaving him cos of dat..
Why would I want to find someone new? Relations issues is making me so tired, I dun think I'll ever get married again..
At least, till now, I won't think of anything...
I just want to concentrate on my work and baby..
Yes, previously I was too busy with work.. Dat is during the initial start of the business..
Now, I have more ppl helping with work, I dun have to go work everyday..
I want to spend more time with my girl, cos now she understands what is happening around her..
I know who reads my blog, and I dun have any secrets to hide..
I hope things between the adults, can be settled between adults.. Dun involve the innocent child in our unhappiness. She has the rights to see both parents, I never ever stopped my girl from seeing her dad. It's just that between 25/09 till 10/12, no one called saying her dad wants to see her.
I wanted a signed black and white agreement, stating he will return the kid after bringing her back. But it was misunderstood for, he thought i wanted him to agree to all terms in the lawyer letter.. cos he did ever said, asking me to leave the house myself, leave the kid behind.. How would I risk the chance of him bringing her back and not returning? I was too afraid to do anything without any signed agreement..
On 28/01/11, my girl started staying overnight at her dad's place till sun nite 10pm.. He requested for CNY period, I agreed..
I even asked my lawyer to write to him, stating from 28/01 onwards, my girl will go over fri-sun with staying there overnight.. Until the court settles, then we will follow from there..
But, he never appreciate what I've proposed, kept her with him on 8/02, not wanting to return her back..
Frankly, I dun blame him for doing this.. In fact, I guessed he will do so someday.. It's a matter of time, when he wan to torture me only.. Cos, he always live in hatred..
He never forgive me for what I've done to him, yet, kept saying that he did..
If he ever did forgive, why are we still quarelling over 3 yrs? Even during my pregnancy period, we also quarelled over the same issue..
A man filled with unforgettable hatred, won't have the heart to love anyone, anymore..
For 3 years, I could barely count the days I felt loved as his wife.. How sad..
Yes, this is retribution for what I've done wrong..
But since he's not able to forgive and forget, why is he holding on to our marriage?
Cos his image is very important to him, he won't want the whole family to know about what happened between us..
The last thing I can do for him, if to let his family knows what happened 3 years back..
And, I dun owe him anything, anymore.. I dun need his protection for my image, cos I dun think there is a chance to go back anymore..
Now that my girl has gone home with her dad, he is not returning her till any outcome from court.. Yes, he has successfully revenged for wad I've done.. But has he ever think for the kid?
I never say bad things about the dad in front of my girl, I dun wan unhappy things between us, affect my girl..
Till today, I still sometimes dream of having a happy complete family for my girl..
But I know it's not possible anymore.. I would rather let her have equal love from both sides, rather than seeing us quarelling so often.. Kids do grow up, they will ask when they can understand why adults quarel.. I dun wan my girl to grow up in an unhappy family..
I dun wana make things difficult for anyone, cos for the rest of our lives, we still have to see each other for the sake of the kid.
I did not agree to letting her staying overnight initially, cos she hasn't been seeing her dad for almost 2 mths+. I just want to let her get used to it, then gradually change to sleeping over there during the weekends. I dunno how he thinks, he might thought that I want to make life difficult for him.. But, dat was not my intention..
Holding on memories of the unhappy past, made him another person.. He is no longer the man I used to love, and yet I dun even dare to say I dun love him anymore. No matter what, he is the man who accompanied me throughout these 15 yrs, going through the birth of my girl, someone who used to love me more than anything.. I was sorry for the incident that happened, I tried to do whatever I can, to salvage the relation.. But that doesn't means that I have to listen to him on everything I do.. Little littler issues, can be used to quarel over and over again.. I'm really sick and tired.. It's like, every quarel, he's pushing me a step further away from him.. And finally, out of the house..
I might feel very sad that my girl is not with me now.. But I do believe that it won't be forever..
No matter winning or losing the custody, I'll still get to see her at least 2 times a week..
No matter what, she is still my girl.. I will miss her alot now, but I know that I'm gonna stay strong and wait for her to come back soon..
I truly hope that everything we do, we can consider the benefit of the kid first, instead of ourselves.. I want to settle everything in peace, but it seems that he's not giving in at all..
Now, I just have to wait till the court hearing, before everything can come to an end...
Thanks to all supportive family members, I love u all.. =)
Labels: ~Own thoughts~
