Friday, February 18, 2011, 2:13 AM
It's been a long long time since I last blogged.. Nvr had enuff time to use everyday, filled with work and baby..
I dunno how good is it now, being alone again.. But I truly hope everything can end soon..
I left home with my baby on 25/09/10, back to my mummy's place..
After 3-4 yrs of quarelling over the same issue with my husband was really tiring me out..
I'm letting him go, as to let go of myself.. I know, things won't be the same anymore after dat incident..
My heart really aches to let go of this 15 years of relation, but if he can't let go of the past, we can't make it till old..
3 years of no friends, no entertainment, did not helped any in our relationship..
How many more 3 years I have to spend reviving the love we used to have?
I'm really tired..
I decided to let go, cos of his first words he told me in the morning on the day I left home..
His sis did talked to him about our problems the night before, but no attempt from him to salvage the relation..
First thing in the morning, he talked to me is about $$. 难道我们之间只剩下钱讲吗?
My heart broked thoroughly dat morning, decided to move out in the afternoon..
Lawyer's letter was prepared in fact on 21/09, but I held on to it, having the minimum hope to try salvage the relation..
Sad to say, it failed...
I never had time to have another boyfriend or wad outside.. My time was spent working and taking care of my precious baby at night..
I dunno why he thought I had a new love, leaving him cos of dat..
Why would I want to find someone new? Relations issues is making me so tired, I dun think I'll ever get married again..
At least, till now, I won't think of anything...
I just want to concentrate on my work and baby..
Yes, previously I was too busy with work.. Dat is during the initial start of the business..
Now, I have more ppl helping with work, I dun have to go work everyday..
I want to spend more time with my girl, cos now she understands what is happening around her..
I know who reads my blog, and I dun have any secrets to hide..
I hope things between the adults, can be settled between adults.. Dun involve the innocent child in our unhappiness. She has the rights to see both parents, I never ever stopped my girl from seeing her dad. It's just that between 25/09 till 10/12, no one called saying her dad wants to see her.
I wanted a signed black and white agreement, stating he will return the kid after bringing her back. But it was misunderstood for, he thought i wanted him to agree to all terms in the lawyer letter.. cos he did ever said, asking me to leave the house myself, leave the kid behind.. How would I risk the chance of him bringing her back and not returning? I was too afraid to do anything without any signed agreement..
On 28/01/11, my girl started staying overnight at her dad's place till sun nite 10pm.. He requested for CNY period, I agreed..
I even asked my lawyer to write to him, stating from 28/01 onwards, my girl will go over fri-sun with staying there overnight.. Until the court settles, then we will follow from there..
But, he never appreciate what I've proposed, kept her with him on 8/02, not wanting to return her back..
Frankly, I dun blame him for doing this.. In fact, I guessed he will do so someday.. It's a matter of time, when he wan to torture me only.. Cos, he always live in hatred..
He never forgive me for what I've done to him, yet, kept saying that he did..
If he ever did forgive, why are we still quarelling over 3 yrs? Even during my pregnancy period, we also quarelled over the same issue..
A man filled with unforgettable hatred, won't have the heart to love anyone, anymore..
For 3 years, I could barely count the days I felt loved as his wife.. How sad..
Yes, this is retribution for what I've done wrong..
But since he's not able to forgive and forget, why is he holding on to our marriage?
Cos his image is very important to him, he won't want the whole family to know about what happened between us..
The last thing I can do for him, if to let his family knows what happened 3 years back..
And, I dun owe him anything, anymore.. I dun need his protection for my image, cos I dun think there is a chance to go back anymore..
Now that my girl has gone home with her dad, he is not returning her till any outcome from court.. Yes, he has successfully revenged for wad I've done.. But has he ever think for the kid?
I never say bad things about the dad in front of my girl, I dun wan unhappy things between us, affect my girl..
Till today, I still sometimes dream of having a happy complete family for my girl..
But I know it's not possible anymore.. I would rather let her have equal love from both sides, rather than seeing us quarelling so often.. Kids do grow up, they will ask when they can understand why adults quarel.. I dun wan my girl to grow up in an unhappy family..
I dun wana make things difficult for anyone, cos for the rest of our lives, we still have to see each other for the sake of the kid.
I did not agree to letting her staying overnight initially, cos she hasn't been seeing her dad for almost 2 mths+. I just want to let her get used to it, then gradually change to sleeping over there during the weekends. I dunno how he thinks, he might thought that I want to make life difficult for him.. But, dat was not my intention..
Holding on memories of the unhappy past, made him another person.. He is no longer the man I used to love, and yet I dun even dare to say I dun love him anymore. No matter what, he is the man who accompanied me throughout these 15 yrs, going through the birth of my girl, someone who used to love me more than anything.. I was sorry for the incident that happened, I tried to do whatever I can, to salvage the relation.. But that doesn't means that I have to listen to him on everything I do.. Little littler issues, can be used to quarel over and over again.. I'm really sick and tired.. It's like, every quarel, he's pushing me a step further away from him.. And finally, out of the house..
I might feel very sad that my girl is not with me now.. But I do believe that it won't be forever..
No matter winning or losing the custody, I'll still get to see her at least 2 times a week..
No matter what, she is still my girl.. I will miss her alot now, but I know that I'm gonna stay strong and wait for her to come back soon..
I truly hope that everything we do, we can consider the benefit of the kid first, instead of ourselves.. I want to settle everything in peace, but it seems that he's not giving in at all..
Now, I just have to wait till the court hearing, before everything can come to an end...
Thanks to all supportive family members, I love u all.. =)
Labels: ~Own thoughts~
Monday, August 3, 2009, 12:14 AM
My little sweetie smiling and shouting...
Cool girl hor =)
Labels: Baby Alyssa
Sunday, August 2, 2009, 11:52 PM
Again, so long bo blog liao.. =) really tired... work stress made me no mood everyday, but still have to force myself to smile to all customers. Now that we've shifted to United Square, it means going home journey will be longer than before..
By the time I reach home, my baby girl will be sleeping already.. Last nite, I looked at her in her bed, I can't help my tears from falling.. Asking myself, how much time did i spend with her throughout her growing stage of 10 months plus.. How much fun time I missed enjoying with her? How come she is closer to her daddy? All this "how" came into the picture when I decided to start my own biz in Jan 09... I've only spent 3 months of full-day time with her during my maternity leave. I keep blaming myself, why would I make such a decision to start my own biz? Why dun I find a proper office job and work 9-5 and accompany my baby after work? It's all too late to turn back now... It might be stressful to take care of a baby also, but I'm sure the process is much more enjoyable than striving hard for money.
Realistic is always cruel... we need to strive hard to earn more for our baby, our new flat which is ready in 3 yrs time.. I really hope that my hubby will work hard with me and we can save more in 3 yrs time.. Since staying at home to take care of my baby myself is not possible in our situation, I really have to adjust my timing of work and accompany my baby more..
Really tired liao, need to go sleep le, see when free then blog again.. Hope by then i can manage my time better than now...
By the time I reach home, my baby girl will be sleeping already.. Last nite, I looked at her in her bed, I can't help my tears from falling.. Asking myself, how much time did i spend with her throughout her growing stage of 10 months plus.. How much fun time I missed enjoying with her? How come she is closer to her daddy? All this "how" came into the picture when I decided to start my own biz in Jan 09... I've only spent 3 months of full-day time with her during my maternity leave. I keep blaming myself, why would I make such a decision to start my own biz? Why dun I find a proper office job and work 9-5 and accompany my baby after work? It's all too late to turn back now... It might be stressful to take care of a baby also, but I'm sure the process is much more enjoyable than striving hard for money.
Realistic is always cruel... we need to strive hard to earn more for our baby, our new flat which is ready in 3 yrs time.. I really hope that my hubby will work hard with me and we can save more in 3 yrs time.. Since staying at home to take care of my baby myself is not possible in our situation, I really have to adjust my timing of work and accompany my baby more..
Really tired liao, need to go sleep le, see when free then blog again.. Hope by then i can manage my time better than now...
Labels: ~Own thoughts~
Monday, May 11, 2009, 12:23 AM
This is the new outfit from Auntie Weiting and her friend ThamYun..
Sunday, May 10, 2009, 11:51 PM
Soooo tired, wanted to sleep, but dreaming of myself writing my blog.. So, dun sleep, wake up and write my blog lor.. For so long i have not do any updates, only post some photos of my little princess.. later will add somemore latest ones for viewing.
time flies, have been starting doing my own biz since Jan 09. Only from end march onwards, i have an additional partner (Jason's gf). Alot of things can be done with 2 persons running the biz, rather than me alone thinking hard how to generate more income myself. ALOT of sacrifices to make, i have not enuff time to spend everyday.. I dun have time to sleep, dun have enuff time for my little girl, not enuff time for my hubby also, alot alot more..
Though i everything also like not enuff, but luckily i have support from my hubby & my parents.. they are the 3 people i wana thank alot, always there when i needed them to help.. Lots of things to say, to complain, but still, i try to keep everything to myself.. if everything oso need to voice out, there's nothing call secret liao..
Damn tired.. every nite, my baby girl will make noise in the middle of the nite abt 3am, then tap tap her to sleep, about 6-7am, is drinking milk time again.. If heng heng got my mother in law to take care, i can sleep, if not then i'll have to force my baby back to sleep in the sarong.. I dunno why i just can't keep myself awake in the mornings.. I wanted so much to play with my girl, see her more before i go work, but i just can't keep myself awake.. sometimes i go out in the morning, see her only abt 1 or 2 hrs, then come back about 10 plus, she already sleeping.. I really want to accompany her, but really time is not enuff for me.. Luckily tues and thurs, i bring her to my mummy place since morning, then only i got more time with her..
Today is the 1st year's Mother's day for me, and of course for Dom and cousin Wendy also.. Being a mum is really not easy. If u wana have time for the child, money dunno enuff anot, wan more money for the child, time oso not enuff.. So hard to balance up..
Finally i understood how my hubby felt when he was doing biz and working few yrs back. I was so wrong to blame him having no time for me.. Maybe it's different for him and me, cos our characters are so different.. He can be independent, while I'm just being too dependent on him. At least now, if i'm working, he has a baby girl to accompany him.. It's really hard to balance time for everyone.. After work come back, if lucky, my girl haven't sleep, still can play with her, but after she sleep, i gotta check my mails, do some recordings, then can rest. Sometimes, when i finally have time to sit down and talk to my hubby, he might not have time for me.. He also got his own paperwork to do everyday.. Sometimes, i just sit around and play games, just to accompany him..
I really try very hard to balance up my time, hoping after this month, everything can be on track, i can come back and accompany my family in the evening.. Now super tired liao.. got time then blog le.. nites all~~~
time flies, have been starting doing my own biz since Jan 09. Only from end march onwards, i have an additional partner (Jason's gf). Alot of things can be done with 2 persons running the biz, rather than me alone thinking hard how to generate more income myself. ALOT of sacrifices to make, i have not enuff time to spend everyday.. I dun have time to sleep, dun have enuff time for my little girl, not enuff time for my hubby also, alot alot more..
Though i everything also like not enuff, but luckily i have support from my hubby & my parents.. they are the 3 people i wana thank alot, always there when i needed them to help.. Lots of things to say, to complain, but still, i try to keep everything to myself.. if everything oso need to voice out, there's nothing call secret liao..
Damn tired.. every nite, my baby girl will make noise in the middle of the nite abt 3am, then tap tap her to sleep, about 6-7am, is drinking milk time again.. If heng heng got my mother in law to take care, i can sleep, if not then i'll have to force my baby back to sleep in the sarong.. I dunno why i just can't keep myself awake in the mornings.. I wanted so much to play with my girl, see her more before i go work, but i just can't keep myself awake.. sometimes i go out in the morning, see her only abt 1 or 2 hrs, then come back about 10 plus, she already sleeping.. I really want to accompany her, but really time is not enuff for me.. Luckily tues and thurs, i bring her to my mummy place since morning, then only i got more time with her..
Today is the 1st year's Mother's day for me, and of course for Dom and cousin Wendy also.. Being a mum is really not easy. If u wana have time for the child, money dunno enuff anot, wan more money for the child, time oso not enuff.. So hard to balance up..
Finally i understood how my hubby felt when he was doing biz and working few yrs back. I was so wrong to blame him having no time for me.. Maybe it's different for him and me, cos our characters are so different.. He can be independent, while I'm just being too dependent on him. At least now, if i'm working, he has a baby girl to accompany him.. It's really hard to balance time for everyone.. After work come back, if lucky, my girl haven't sleep, still can play with her, but after she sleep, i gotta check my mails, do some recordings, then can rest. Sometimes, when i finally have time to sit down and talk to my hubby, he might not have time for me.. He also got his own paperwork to do everyday.. Sometimes, i just sit around and play games, just to accompany him..
I really try very hard to balance up my time, hoping after this month, everything can be on track, i can come back and accompany my family in the evening.. Now super tired liao.. got time then blog le.. nites all~~~
Labels: ~Own thoughts~
Friday, January 23, 2009, 2:48 PM
Sunday, December 14, 2008, 11:33 PM
07 December 2008
13 December 2008These are the latest photos for my little princess.. Going back to work tomoro liao, so sian... Anyway, I supposed I will come back early to see my little princess as soon as I finish my work.. Nothing much to write, just wana post my baby's photos.. =)
Labels: Baby Alyssa
Thursday, November 13, 2008, 10:58 AM
Nowadays still feeling vexed.. whether to go back to work anot.. This is my 1st baby, I really wish to have all my time for her.. But losing my income will be the main concern.. Not saying that my hubby cannot support us all, it's just that I'll lose all the freedom shopping for my own and baby stuffs liao..
If my mother in law were to take care for me, I can only come home and see my baby everyday after 6pm.. Cos she taking care of my boss's 2 kids, later they ask why I always come back early, then ppl will start to talk again.. I did ask my mum whether she wana take care for me anot as she will be jobless after Jan 09.. Unlike confinement time, I didn't confirm wif her before asking hubby ok anot, this time, I've asked properly, confirmed she ok liao then ask hubby.. But still... I get the same reply, always a disappointed one..
My mum said it's ok to look after abt half day, cos the other half, I'll be back to accompany my baby.. This is her 1st grandchild, more or less my baby seems precious to her.. I really hope my hubby can understand, to his family, our baby is just another grandchild while to my family side, she's a little precious princess =), cos she's number 1!
I really dunno how to talk to him, to agree with wat I've proposed.. I just wan more time with my baby and keeping my job for an extra income.. If really cannot, I dunno how long I can stand, everyday waiting for 6pm to come home see my baby.. Maybe I'll have to find other source of income, instead or working for my brother in law..
I'm now still on maternity till 15th Dec, maybe extend the 4th month by then, new yr pass liao then decide to go back work or not.. Think liao oso headache..
Labels: ~Own thoughts~
Monday, November 10, 2008, 8:49 PM
最浪漫的事 赵咏华
背靠着背坐在地毯上
听听音乐聊聊愿望
你希望我越来越温柔
我希望你放我在心上
你说想送我个浪漫的梦想
谢谢我带你找到天堂
哪怕用一辈子才能完成
只要我讲你就记住不忘
我能想到最浪漫的事就是和你一起慢慢变老
一路上收藏点点滴滴的欢笑
留到以后坐着摇椅慢慢聊
我能想到最浪漫的事就是和你一起慢慢变老
直到我们老的哪儿也去不了
你还依然把我当成手心里的宝
背靠着背坐在地毯上
听听音乐聊聊愿望
你希望我越来越温柔
我希望你放我在心上
你说想送我个浪漫的梦想
谢谢我带你找到天堂
哪怕用一辈子才能完成
只要我讲你就记住不忘
我能想到最浪漫的事就是和你一起慢慢变老
一路上收藏点点滴滴的欢笑
留到以后坐着摇椅慢慢聊
我能想到最浪漫的事就是和你一起慢慢变老
直到我们老的哪儿也去不了
你还依然把我当成手心里的宝
我能想到最浪漫的事就是和你一起慢慢变老
一路上收藏点点滴滴的欢笑
留到以后坐着摇椅慢慢聊
我能想到最浪漫的事就是和你一起慢慢变老
直到我们老的哪儿也去不了
你还依然把我当成手心里的宝
Labels: ~Own thoughts~
Friday, November 7, 2008, 8:12 PM
Found this article in Nov'08 Motherhood magazine.. Quite interesting to know how guys really feel when we as the wife, giving birth to a little baby, all the pains and hard times we're going through, whether isit appreciated at all anot.. =)
Labels: ~Own thoughts~
Monday, November 3, 2008, 10:07 PM
I've got something to say after taking care of my little Alyssa for abt 6 weeks (thursday is 6 wks liao)..
First, would like to share how painful is the process when about to give birth.. The contractions were abit more painful than menstrual cramp (which varies from ppl to ppl, some really damn pain while mine is ok only).. If your menstrual cramp can make u having cold sweat dripping down, then it should be abt that kinda feeling.. The actual pain came in when the baby is abt to come out.. Can say nearly felt like giving up, dun wana give birth anymore.. For alot of reasons, I persevered and finally baby Alyssa head came out, whew, another push to go for the body to be out (which was much more easier).. See the placenta when nurse showed me, yucks so disgusting..
I think I did broke down and cried abit after giving birth to my baby.. At first, all I thought is that I wana give my hubby a baby, or maybe a baby could more or less improve our marriage.. I felt so sad, thinking was it worth dat kinda pain to give birth to a baby? But things changed after really looking at the little baby, holding her in my arms, feeling like it's a miracle that this little thing can pop out of my tummy! All the negative feelings gone when u see her sleeping soundly, so innocent, so cute!
In the hospital and 1st few days home, only 1 word can describe my days there - TIRED..
I cannot stop ppl from visiting me, cos they came for goodsake and to see the baby.. I cannot tell ppl that I'm super tired and wana sleep and rest for the day.. phew, really difficult to tahan the days during 1st week.. So, for Dom and Wendy, my visits to you will be short and pls dun misunderstand that I dun care.. I care, that's why I dun wana disturb ur rest.. =)
Come to the feeding period.. this is the most tiring part for the 1st month.. currently 2nd month, still the same but more used to it.. I've got something to say to all the fathers and father to be.. during confinement or first few mths, pls pay more attention to ur wives' emotions.. I can say I broke down and cried as I dun have enough rest, feeling neglected by hubby cos he seems like only seeing baby when he's back from work.. Expects maybe a hug from him when he's back to maybe show that he appreciates my hard work of taking care of the baby, but always disappointed.. I dunno how other fathers feel during this period of time, but surely I do know how the mothers feel.. Felt so negative, so down and worse of all, baby fell sick.. really so luan that time..
Now that all things seems stable down, more used to the day and night 3 hourly feeds, I think emotionally I feel better now.. Hubby went reservist today till 11th Nov, think Iwill be more tired this week liao.. Maybe baby Alyssa will miss the daddy night feeds before his bedtime cos normally I'll take over the midnight feeds..
Ok, stop here so much for the topic on baby, will post another day when I'm free.. now go do housework, hang clothes liao.. =)
Labels: Baby Alyssa
Friday, October 17, 2008, 9:20 PM
To all the people who are waiting to see my baby girl's photo.... latest ones on 29/10/08
Labels: Baby Alyssa
Tuesday, September 23, 2008, 11:10 AM
Final countdown to 6 Oct for my baby's arrival.. Seems so soon yet feels so slow.. my tummy seems like no space for baby to move around already =) last check up yesterday baby weigh 3.25kg liao.. No wonder my tiredness is getting stronger everyday..
Asked gynae abt the timing part.. we've chosen a timing for the baby to deliver but then gotta induce or maybe ending up caesarean.. So worried and scared.. I hope I dun have to be cut in the tummy cos I'm healthy enough to have natural birth.. Most importantly, caesarean will slow down the process of slimming back again.. Sigh.. if I'm thinking of the baby's future, I'll have to sacrifice myself.. Dunno how and wat to do, seems so lost..
Labels: Ian and Cindy
Friday, August 22, 2008, 3:56 PM
Never realised time really passes so fast.. So fast we've been married for 2 years plus, going 3 years this Jan 09.. Thinking back.. really missed the days when we're preparing to get married.. The happiness & excitement, I think dat is really once in a lifetime.. Now we're going through 2nd excitement in life, the arrival of our baby in October..
Labels: Ian and Cindy
, 3:51 PM
, 3:43 PM
This pic was taken on 4th January 2006 during my wedding day @ mummy's place.. Can really see the difference right? Ah Ma was still healthy and strong.. Seeing her smiling so happily, really missed the days when she can still chat wif us...Labels: My beloved Ah Ma
Wednesday, August 20, 2008, 11:57 AM
This picture was taken on Cousin Sam & Dom's wedding.. Though grandma left us for good on 01/08/08, but I do pray that she has a better life now. Throughout her sickness, saw her being so helpless wheelchair bounded, getting skinnier as days passes, I really feel heartache..It has been years since I've last blogged, now just trying to find a place to voice out how I feel towards my Ah Ma's leaving & my new life with my 33 weeks & 2 days old baby in my tummy..
I do have regrets.. Regretted why I never visited my Ah Ma the week she left us.. Regretted that I haven't got the chance to thank her, thanking her for helping to save my marriage as I was once foolish to make a grave mistake.. I was stubborn then, but Ah Ma & Ah Gong softened me, made me really sit down & think through wat was right & wrong.. I really wana tell her sorry that I've made her worried and cried for my problems.. But... I have no more chance already.. Right now, here, I wana tell my Ah Ma, I love her and I'm really sorry..
Throughout all these years, I've never learnt how to communicate well wif the older generations.. Everytime I go visit Ah Ma & Ah Gong, all i know is to buy them food they like, sit around the house for a few hours to accompany them.. Only my hubby Ian knows how to chat wif both of the oldies in the house.. He has the patience to talk to them, listening to them telling their long long ago stories.. Dat's why, Ah Ma dotes him alot.. She keep telling me, my hubby is a very good man, asking me to treasure my marriage..
I did.. I wana tell Ah Ma, I've listened to her, I did try to amend myself, make up for the mistakes I've made.. I even have a great grandchild waiting for her to see, but she can't make it to wait and see.. I broke down the moment I saw her last in her bed, asking myself, why she never waited for my baby.... I told myself, Ah Ma has left to make everyone and herself suffer lesser.. She loves everyone around her, she just wanted to leave and end sufferings for all, including herself..
Now I just hope that Ah Gong can stay healthy and strong, on behalf of Ah Ma, to see all her great grandchildren coming to this world this year and next year.. I really feel better after voicing out wat I wana say here, rather than keeping all to myself.. Maybe I'll start blogging after my baby is born, putting all the pics in.. =)
Labels: My beloved Ah Ma
